title: Fungi a la surprise author: kimera archive: http://www.kimerascall.lima-city.de/ contact: kimerascall@gmx.de fan fiction series: Rurouni Kenshin by Nobuhiro Watsuki SaiSa special challenge "Cross- Dressing" PG: 12 category: comedy written: 15.06.2003 disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin belongs to Nobuhiro Watsuki, the challenge was originated by the Queen Yokozuna. Special Warning: Ahumm... no native, so tons of misspellings, mistakes, reckless attack at the English language... you will go spare or bursar, get your dried frog pills! ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ ~+~ Fungi a la surprise "Darn fungi!" The spiky-haired youth cursed, rubbing his complaining stomach. Okonomiyaki with a special ingredient, two for one. He had to try that bargain, never one to turn down a challenge. Well, admittedly it was not wise to dare the Gods of Culinary Arts by eating out close to the slums but his nicely chiseled belly had been trained on worse treatment, like the close to martial-art-attempts of his best friend's fiancee. "I better get something to drown the stuff... Sake! Yay!" Hitting his knuckles he beamed a smile into the dusk. While pacing in eager admiration of his fantasies to get drunk to Elysium, slowly the vision of the fist-fighter turned to psychedelic chaos, colors too bright to endure, dancing, the world spinning. "Who-hoa..." He mumbled numbly, saliva trailing to his pointy chin. »I better have a lie-down....« ~+~ "Darn fungi!" Rubbing a bump he tried to sit up, blinking and wiping strands out of his usually chocolate-colored, temporary bloodshot eyes. »Oookaayyyy...« Short resume of his situation: it was dark, probably night. Another blink. »Yeah, there was some lazy twinkling high above, presumably stars...« Blinkblink. »... hmmm... a backyard...grass and dust...« Sniffsniff... »Urks... and other stuff, hopefully not sticking to me...« He suffered some kind of headache. »... belly was feeling better... I should better get up and going...« Sanosuke Sagara, ex-gangster and proud fist-fighter, did not like too quiet streets and hanging around unconsciously. Bad things could happen very fast. With a careful nod to his own cunning judgment, he rose, still massaging the bump under the unruly mop of spiky locks. »Just great, Sano, you hit the only large rock in two miles...« He grumbled frowning. »No gambling tonight.« He decided gravely. Heading for the next crossing he stood in alarmed uneasiness. This... was not familiar at all! He knew Tokyo like his ripped trousers and this was definitely... some really strange village.... »What the fuck....?!« Blinking a Morse code of irritation he spun and inspected his neighborhood closely. Right this moment a muscular form appeared in a heavy spurt, singing on the top of his lungs a chantey, wearing a strange adaption with iron balls dangling on the whole of his figure. He stripped the armor-like device, hurling it far into the sky and lunged at Sanosuke who found himself down a ditch, hitting another rock... luckily the only one in close distance. A gigantic firework detonated high above, waves of shock and sound vibrating through the air. "What the fuck...?!" Another bump, itching. "Well, that was nice! Nothing to beat a good, healthy workout!" The huge man beamed a joyous smile, rising and brushing his strong limbs and whirling jet-black hair in full length to his hips around like a gigantic, shining cape. The fist-fighter clenched said ones and growled lowly. "Damn, what's wrong with you, dumbass?! You race with a damn coat of bombs?!" Frowning the presumably suicidal jogger snorted. "Why, the weight is perfectly outbalanced and I keep the time schedule! To celebrate my gorgeous presence, a decent firework is always a good choice. Maybe you're too simple to appreciate my genius!" A shrugged frown. Lacking his usual temper to answer the insult Sanosuke stared. "Hey! You're Kenshin's sensei!" He exclaimed incredulously. "Why are you hanging around in Tokyo?!" Whacking the fist-fighter the self-declared genius admonished. "You're lacking a proper education, rooster-brat! First lecture: inspect your environment closely. Second lecture: compare the results with your information. Third lecture: deduction." A short break to reconsider. "Oh... never mind! You need common sense to preform the trick." "GNAAAHHH!!" Lunging at the slightly taller man Sanosuke was about to strike his points of view when someone tipped his shoulder. Reeling around he hissed. "Don't you see I am busy, beating the shit out of this asshole?!" Standing in front of him, a tall, slender man, black-blue strands hiding icy aquamarines, clad in a navy attire, watched him with a cold interest. Blinking Sanosuke startled. "A.. Aoshi?!" "You already had the annoying pleasure, my arctic angel?" With an alarming tinkle of jealousy the well-built genius grabbed Aoshi's hips possessively. "I don't think so." A cool, stoical answer, turning to blaze a radiating smile, baring his fangs. »Fangs?! Ieks!!« Rapidly jumping back and keeping his fighting stance Sanosuke swallowed. "Hey, you creeps, don't start anything!!" "I will!" Heavy tackling of the Aoshi-double, kissing, patting, rubbing... Sanosuke felt his cheeks burning. They were making out in the middle of the street?! Rubbing his already sore eyes, the spiky-haired and bumped youngster swore. "Damn, you idiot, don't you realize he's a vampire?!" He yelled. "I sure hope so!" The Hiko-sensei-alike grinned lecherously. "Nothing to top a hot training but a cool infight. And he IS cool as ice, mjaaammmmm!" Sanosuke gaped, frowning. "Well, actually there's something to top... me!!" Proud beaming, more tackling and grabbing. The fist-fighter felt his stomach turn as he saw Aoshi blissfully sucking at the jugular, embracing the muscled man, snuggling and lowly moaning. Rubbing the vampire's nape while massaging his buttocks, Hiko winked viciously at Sanosuke. "He... is...taking your blood..." Sanosuke whispered. Hiko grinned. "That's alright with me, I get some delicious, cold allowance... you know, from the southward region!" Another wicked wink. »That's it!!« Sanosuke turned and fled on highspeed. ~+~ Panting the spiky-haired youngster stopped at the borders of the village. »What the fuck is going on here?! Aoshi turned into a vampire? Hiko being... well, he did not change that much, according to the rare stories from Kenshin... Kenshin!!« Hitting his knuckles with a relieved grin Sanosuke ruffled his mop. »Now, where to find Kenshin?« He strode through a forest, following a small pathway. Sniffing he coughed, grimacing. Disgusting but familiar: someone cooking without any talents at all. Lacking any sound he was attacked in the next instant, someone biting his shoulder vigorously, growling muffled, a whirl of flaming red hair bristling. "Ahum... Kenshin??" The fist-fighter grabbed a frail nape and tried to free himself from the clinging small man. Someone approached with a firm pace, muttering and mumbling. Shaking and tearing, Sanosuke turned around. "Hey, Kenshin, I am happy to see you, too, but this is embarrassing!" "Oh, I am so sorry, dear sir, he's a naughty boy!" A big club found his target, hitting the small man repeatedly. "Hey hey, don't..." Stunned Sanosuke blinked. Kenshin, his best friend, now clung to the club, his tiny fangs gnashing the club, pointy ears twitching. The woman addressing him, clad in a kimono, sporting yellowish-grey fur and a black-ringed tail, tried to shake Kenshin from the club by striking a stout tree several times. "You see, he's an elf, wicked little creatures, all mischief and trouble, but he's good at the laundry-business." The raccoon-like woman smiled fondly as the elf's eyes changed to a golden blur and the tiny man sank to the ground. "To compensate your trouble I'd like to invite you to my home. I've cooked something tasty." Winking and wiggling the tail in a playful manner. "Ah..." Backing off, Sanosuke feigned a lopsided grin of pure terror. "Sorry, Kaoru, but I have an appointment..." And off he went in another highspeed flight. "Hu? Who's Kaoru?" Shrugging, she dragged the elf by its collar, disappearing in the forest. ~+~ "This... is... spooky...." Sanosuke panted and strode to the shore, glaring at the thunderous sea. "What the fuck is going on here?! And where am I?!" He pondered quizzically. Okay, he had met a vampire, an elf, a raccoon-girl who tried to poison him... Rubbing the bumps on his head, he swore anew. "Darn fungi!" »This can't be real... no way!« "Ahoi, sweetie!! You're waiting for someone?" A beautifully clad girl rose from a rock nearby, waving her handkerchief, blowing kisses. This most charming entree made Sanosuke flinch, too much enthusiasm for his personal preference. "Ah..." Cough. "Just hanging out. What are you doing here?" He tried to remember his straying manners. "I am luring.", Casual shrug. "You know, comme d'habitude." Combing shiny black strands gently curling at its ends. "Hu?!" The fist-fighter blinked close to helplessness. A deep, amused giggle. "I am a siren, gorgeous." He was mercifully informed. Sanosuke scratched his nape. "I don't think it's that bad." He tried to compliment impishly. The siren laughed merrily, a little deep down her throat. "Why don't you come over, sweetheart, and join us?" She invited, patting a rock close to her. Carefully Sanosuke climbed to have his seat and leap back in utter terror. "KATSU?!" ~+~ Pinching his arm, he shuddered. »This can't be! This is too strange!!« His foster brother sporting a fish tail, his navy-blue hair being combed by a strange smiling boy looking like Seta who was covered with scales and being petted at his gills. Another shiver ran Sanosuke's skin. Fuck, a vampire, an elf, a mermaid... Swallowing hard, he remembered where his brother-lookalike had been rummaging under the kimono of the siren. Maybe they were not as female as he wished they had been. »Stop it!!« Violently ruffling his spiky mop he paced down a hill, back to the village he had fled. »Wherever I am, I want to leave immediately!« He stopped when a strange pair stumbled to the main road. "Great! A mummy man and his serpent-like lady." His stomach was turning again. The bandaged creature was hopping and skipping like a child. "Com'on, search me, search me!! I got something real hot hidden... harharhar!!" Teasing the woman at his side. "Zzzzzzz..." Hissing sound, baring a long, forked tongue, the reptile-like woman smirked. "I like to zzznuggle wizzz you!" Playfully tearing at the bandages. "Nohooo!" The dancing mummy got swiftly out of her reach. "You gotta search me!" Hopping and bouncing. The serpent lady lifted gracefully the hem of her kimono and a strong tail came to the buzzing night, wiping the mummy from its bandaged feet, flipping it over and curling around the waist, to dangle her companion head down from her swinging tail. "Now, my impetuouzzz toazzzty, where izz your little, very well-done giffft hidden..?" She bent to snuggle her tongue under the covering stripes. Stumbling backwards Sanosuke decided to leave the village alone. ~+~ Sulkily Sanosuke kicked pebbles down the hill, tucking his fists down his pockets. He seemed to be stuck on an island with a bunch of notorious beasts! Not a prospect to have a nap and start anew. Someone might top him very possibly with all the horny monsters around. »Guargh....« He punched angrily the open air. "Oi, whatcha doin?" A hollering voice caught him from behind, initiating a reeling stance prepared to strike. "Argh... what are you, ye Gods?! A ghoul? A walking undead?! Damn, leave me alone, you bunch of lunatics!" Storming off he left the hill. A broomheaded blonde rubbed his nape perplexed. "Fine, that's what you get for keeping the damn eels to get electricity! Thank you very much, Chou, you nice chap, for enduring this crappy business to provide us with light and energy!" He grumbled, heading off. ~+~ Trailing the shore Sanosuke found a small quay and took a seat. »No boat. Surprise, surprise. Now, what to do?« He yearned for a drink. Sake, lots of, actually. A hangover to fit his bumps, bugging his miserable, suffering head. Someone pedaled on highspeed across the sea. "Ah, watch it, Sharky is going again!" A small, dark-haired creature joined him. "Hu?" The fist-fighter lifted a brow indifferently. He did not really like to hear the explanation but he feared he could not escape it. "Oh, Seta is a fishman but he's always showing off, you know, flagging!" A mischievous grin. Sanosuke did not get the message. "Hu?" He muttered desperately. A kick to his side. "Man, are you daft? He's posing the flagpole, dumbass!" Angry chewing of Sanosuke's strands. "Hey! Get lost, you silly brat! Stop eating my hair!" Whirling, he tried to shrug the clinging boy off. It took several minutes to tear the dreadful creature from his head and hurl him into the sea. "Suits you right, you... you..." Frowning Sanosuke massaged his torn scalp. "I am a goblin, you idiot!" The tiny creature threw fish and shells at him, gently supported by Sharky who still proudly kept the flagpole high. ARGHHH!!! ~+~ Close to freaking out Sanosuke sank to the grass, gasping in desperation. »I want to go home...« He sniffed pitifully. This was the worst nightmare he had ever entertained and he just could not wake up!! So this meant it was the real thing?? He sighed. "Get lost, that's my place!" A dark, sonorous voice growled at him. "Don't care, get yourself another one." Sanosuke mumbled, not minding to look up. "You better hurry, imbecile, the moon's coming up." "Fuck the damn moon! I AM NOT LEAVING, SHITHEAD!" The fist-fighter yelled at the top of his lungs. He never got an answer... well, verbally. ~+~ There had been fur, black, shiny fur, lots of it, fangs, gleaming fangs, and amber eyes, ignited in sulfurous flames. He felt stuffed, beat up, not mentioning licked from tip to toe and screwed close to infinity. A low growl by his side. "I advised you to leave." The werewolf stated gravely. Clouds covered the full moon. Blinking Sanosuke watched a lupine man with stubbornly straying four strands to shade a haggard face, an ivory skin, a slender, strong body, partly covered with a pink negligee, fidgeting. Sanosuke winced. »I am definitely suffering heavy hallucinations.« "Damn that goblin Yahiko! How dare he steal my clothes! AND MY CIGARETTES!" A low, menacing growl. The fist-fighter tipped desperately a shoulder-blade. "You're not real, right?" He hazardously flashed a weak grin. The werewolf turned to inspect his prey with an indifferent glare. "...Saitou..." Sanosuke felt like passing out. He wished, he would. A tight grip to his neck. "Real enough for you, rooster?" The amber eyes lowered to consume Sanosuke with their devouring flames. A sudden spasm made the Saitou-lookalike flinch and rapidly scratch his hips with a series of low curses. Sanosuke watched in amazement and assisted scratching. "Where did you get that horrible gown?" He asked casually, chasing fleas away. "Dunno... was racing..." The baring of strong fangs left the tall man growling and the moon sparkled again. ~+~ Approximately ten minutes later. Or two orgasms and a passed-out Sanosuke. The werewolf brushed the leftovers of his black fur to the ground, sighing in annoyance. »What a mess!« At least he had not to clean up afterward. Sometimes he hated to be a werewolf and the urge to get dressed afterwards, to prevent suffering a flu. »Damn goblin!« He cursed, easily picking off the unconscious youngster and draping his slender form to cover the werewolf's front and lap. "Ouuuuhhhh!" A low whimper, escorted by some clumsy shifting. Patting the ruffled mop of dark-brown strands the werewolf made sure that his part-time companion stayed cuddled to his ivory skin. "Can't you just stab me?" The youngster complained wearily. A wicked grin. "I guess I already did. Several times." He chuckled maliciously. Sanosuke hissed a curse. "You damn wise-asses got me really pissed off right now!" He leaned closer, guiltily enjoying the comfort of two strong arms. "What's the trick with your fur?" He inquired meekly. "Hn. It's just falling off. Very messy. Hn." Did the fearsome evil enforcer of the law -well, his spinoff- really sound ashamed?? »No way...« Another cough. "Well, you should better leave, rooster, the clouds wander off." Sanosuke chuckled without any humor. "Nice, wolfie. I can't blink without getting dizzy and I am all sore, thanks to you!" He glared. "I told you to get lost." The werewolf growled, amber lightnings bolting into bitter chocolate. "You could have mentioned your little problem, Mr. nightgowny." Sanosuke retorted furiously. "I'll spank you!" The werewolf hollered, rising his claws. "Oh oh..." ~+~ A nice breeze dried the saliva on Sanosuke's body and it had to cover every little patch of his skin. The werewolf, once again human-shaped, paced nervously. "What's your problem?" Sanosuke mumbled, still tickling all over. "I NEED MY CIGARETTES!" The werewolf fumed, idly scratching his back, tearing the already close to ragged negligee. "Yes, drug addiction is soooo straining!" Sanosuke could not refrain from mocking. "No!" The werewolf ruffled the youngster's unruly mop of hair absentmindedly. "The real trouble is, that I can't take them along! See, no pockets!" He lifted the gown to bare his slender body. A sudden flash ignited the amber eyes. He drew closer and Sanosuke tried to back off. "But you... you can... take things along..." Sanosuke pedaled backwards, feeling dread sneaking up his spine. "Nice rooster... come to your wolf..." The werewolf got to his knees, luring and licking his fangs. "I take care of you... entirely." He grinned towering the panting fist-fighter. And the moon smiled. Very viciously. ~+~ "AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" Catching his fleeing heartbeat with both hands Sanosuke gasped in horror, realizing slowly his surroundings. A little shed. "Home sweet home!" He sang merrily. A low grunt. Startled the youngster very carefully, painstakingly turned his head. Something pinkish twinkled, partly covering ivory skin of a tall, lupine man. "AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" ~+~The end ~+~ Thanks for enduring ^^ kimera Notes of production Don't really know why it kept bugging me... but it did!! Right now while I was busily going down to the next episode of my epic new tale... *grumbles* To fend it off, I just had to bring it down ... it's merely a sketch, maybe lacking everything (apart from the millions of mistakes). I don't like pink negligees and I did not have fungi... strange... maybe I am already obsessed... O.o *chewsatSanosukesstrands*